TO: All Regional Office Staff
FROM: Corporate Culture Committee
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Mandatory Streaming of New Albums
Effective immediately, all employees must stream specified new albums during work hours. Management noticed a dip in corporate playlist engagement. We must fix this before Q4 ends. You can read the mandatory listening list on Pitchfork today. Failure to stream will result in formal HR reprimands.
Required Listening Schedule
Staff must log four hours of Queens of the Stone Age every morning. Track your listening on the internal portal. The heavy riffs will boost sales calls. We need aggressive energy in the cubicles. Mid-tempo rock fuels revenue growth.
"We analyzed employee heart rates during heavy guitar solos," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "Our algorithms show fuzzy distortion increases spreadsheet data entry by twelve percent. Employees who skip these new albums waste company time."
Afternoon Ambient Protocol
After lunch, switch your headphones to DIIV. The shoegaze textures will suppress panic attacks. Ambient output from Kali Malone is also approved for accounting. Do not play unapproved tracks. Our IT department monitors all audio output.
"We noticed workers stopped crying when we forced them to play dark ambient music," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "It creates a docile workforce. Streaming these new albums keeps operational costs surprisingly low."
Please note that executive bonuses rely on our shared Spotify Wrapped stats. We must appear down-to-earth to board members. Stream the new albums on loop overnight if necessary. Signed, Executive Vice President of Synergy (currently seeking a free vinyl code).
