WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a urgent safety notice Friday recalling the 2024 model imperial presidency. Federal regulators cited severe stability flaws. Internal components face an imminent risk of a popular uprising under high-pressure conditions.
Hazard Identification
According to the official hazard report, the imperial presidency suffers from structural stress. The unit tends to crack when exposed to sustained public friction. Consumers should immediately cease using absolute executive authority. Continued operation may result in spontaneous political destabilization.
"We noticed extreme overheating in the checks-and-balances bypass valve," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before at the Consumer Product Safety Commission. "Units produced between November and January lack adequate democratic dampers. When pushed past standard operational parameters, the entire assembly faces a catastrophic popular uprising."
Affected Units
The recall affects approximately one executive branch operating within the contiguous United States. Affected units feature unchecked decree capabilities and excessive broad-mandate claims. Serial numbers include all executive orders signed without prior congressional review.
"Consumers assumed the broad immunity features were permanent," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Our stress tests show otherwise. The product rapidly degrades when exposed to basic mid-term public sentiment."
Remedy And Corrective Action
Regulators advise all active administrators to return their imperial presidency to the nearest constitutional framework. Authorized technicians will install emergency power-limiting governors free of charge. Users must not attempt to weld extra executive privilege onto the chassis.
At press time, federal inspectors reported that millions of citizens had already begun manually dismantling the affected units using standard ballot boxes.
