TO: All Royal Household Staff
FROM: Office of the Lord Chamberlain
RE: Crucial Reminder That the King's Role Is Not Policy Making
LONDON—In light of recent public discussions regarding historic apologies, this memo serves as a firm reminder to all palace personnel. The Royal Household would like to clarify once again that the King's role is not policy making under any circumstances. His Majesty exists strictly to wear heavily embroidered coats and cut oversized ribbons with giant golden scissors.
Strict Guidelines for Royal Conduct
Staff must prevent His Majesty from expressing opinions on historical events, foreign affairs, or local weather patterns. "When a diplomat asks His Majesty for an official government stance, staff must immediately intervene," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "The proper response is a polite nod followed by a rapid retreat toward the nearest antique velvet curtain."
Furthermore, any public statements must pass through six layers of legal advisors to ensure they contain zero measurable substance. If an apology accidentally slips out, staff must immediately reframe the statement as a neutral observation about time passing.
Approved Daily Activities
His Majesty's schedule will remain strictly limited to sovereign duties. These duties include admiring prized turnips at country fairs and standing next to foreign dignitaries while looking mildly concerned. "Our research shows the British public prefers a monarch who functions essentially like a very expensive decorative vase," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "If the King starts making actual laws, the entire fragile illusion of the British constitution collapses in minutes."
Please ensure all speeches contain only pre-approved phrases such as 'deep personal sorrow' and 'moving forward together.' Do not allow the King near any signing pens that contain black ink.
SIGN-OFF: Thank you for your cooperation in ensuring the Crown remains completely powerless, entirely blameless, and incredibly costly to the taxpayer.
