LOS ANGELES—The ongoing federal trial into the massive Billy Howerdel gear auction took a dramatic turn yesterday during cross-examination. Defense attorneys attempted to justify the sale of over 120 historic guitars, amplifiers, and stage-worn shirts owned by the A Perfect Circle mastermind. However, expert witness testimony quickly unspooled a decades-long conspiracy. The transcript below detail how a single rack-mounted pre-amp sustained the entire alternative rock economy for twenty-five years.
Q: State your full name and occupation for the record.
A: Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome. I serve as Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena.
Q: Dr. Mbeki-Ransome, you analyzed the manifest for the upcoming Billy Howerdel gear auction. What did you find?
A: I found evidence of systemic fraud. Mr. Howerdel did not merely own 123 pieces of equipment. He possessed the sole functional tone circuit built between 1999 and 2008.
Q: Clarify that for the jury. Are you implying other bands did not own their own equipment?
A: I am stating it as fact. Every major post-grunge act rented tone directly from him. If you bought a record on Virgin Records in 2003, you heard the exact same Gibson Les Paul Goldtop.
Q: Surely other musicians purchased their own amplifiers?
A: They bought empty wooden boxes. Shells, counselor. Decoys for music videos. Maynard James Keenan signed off on the lease agreements himself.
Q: What happens if this catalog sells to private collectors?
A: The entire touring industry collapses. Without Howerdel lending out his vintage Marshall cabs, modern rock music reverts back to acoustic kazoo. The tone market will flatline instantly.
Q: No further questions for this witness, Your Honor.
