WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall notice today regarding the remaining dates of the Deep Purple tour. Officials cited severe hazards related to singer Ian Gillan's vocal cords. The agency determined that live performances of the 1972 hit 'Smoke on the Water' present an unreasonable risk of structural failure to human lungs.
Hazard Identification and Scope
The recall affects all remaining dates of the current Deep Purple tour across North America. Regulators identified the hazard during a routine venue inspection in Detroit. Microphones recorded acoustic pressure levels capable of dislodging internal organs. The agency officially classified the vocalist's iconic screech as a Class I dangerous substance.
"We observed vocal strains that exceed maximum federal allowances," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Mr. Gillan attempted to hit a high C during 'Child in Time'. The resulting sonic blast shattered three windshields in the parking lot. We had no choice but to halt the Deep Purple tour immediately to protect public safety."
Remedy and Instructions for Consumers
Consumers currently holding tickets for the Deep Purple tour must cease attending shows right away. Venue operators must return all amplified sound equipment to authorized service centers. The commission strongly advises fans to avoid listening to live bootlegs without wearing industrial-grade hearing protection.
"We are working closely with federal auditors to remediate our frequencies," said band representative Arthur Pendelton. "In the future, our high notes will be safely capped at eighty decibels. We regret the inconvenience to fans who wanted to hear classic rock at hazardous volumes."
Ticket holders may claim a full refund at their point of purchase. Alternatively, consumers can exchange their tickets for a quiet night at home listening to ambient rain sounds on Spotify. At press time, regulators were evaluating whether Keith Richards requires a similar mandatory safety shutdown.
