WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a formal recall notice Friday regarding ongoing iPhone Duo shortages across all retail locations. Federal inspectors classified the nationwide supply deficit as an active emotional hazard for high-net-worth tech enthusiasts.
Hazard Description
The affected units include zero percent of requested stock. Consumers face severe anxiety from extreme scarcity. "We monitored retail lines across major cities," said Arthur Pendelton, Senior Administrator of the Bureau of Imaginary Products. "The complete absence of inventory creates a vortex of unfulfilled consumer desire. It poses an immediate threat to modern lifestyle satisfaction."
Reports confirm that Apple chief executives told investors that supply constraints have no end date. The agency warns that seeking a $2,000 dual-screen smartphone during acute iPhone Duo shortages may cause localized financial distress and existential dread.
Affected Units
This recall affects approximately four million theoretical handheld devices. It also impacts thousands of scalpers currently holding empty cardboard boxes in alleyways. "We tested consumer stress levels," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "The bad vibes generated by empty display tables are literally off the charts."
Remedy and Action Plan
Regulators instruct all affected consumers to stop refreshing online order pages immediately. Buyers must step away from their browser tabs. The government advises citizens to glue two old smartphones together with duct tape until further notice.
At press time, federal agents intercepted three scalpers trying to sell a drawing of the missing device for six thousand dollars.
