WASHINGTON—The Department of Justice opened an antitrust probe today to determine if the newly announced Radiohead 2027 shows violate the Sherman Act by generating a surplus of joy. Federal prosecutors subpoenaed the Oxford quintet following reports that guitarist Ed O'Brien smiled while discussing the upcoming tour dates in Australia and Japan. The government alleges that a cheerful Radiohead constitutes an illegal monopoly on the supply of global melancholy.
Q: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
A: I am Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected.
Q: Dr. Vasquez-Thorne, did your team analyze the ticketing data for the Radiohead 2027 shows?
A: Yes. We found that the band planning two years in advance indicates a healthy, functioning relationship. This is a direct violation of their brand identity. Fans pay to watch five British men slowly disintegrate on stage under the weight of late-stage capitalism. If Thom Yorke enjoys a flat white in Melbourne, the entire alternative rock economy collapses.
Q: Is the Department of Justice suggesting the band must remain sad to tour legally?
A: Exactly. We have intercepted emails between the band members where they used exclamation points. Ed O'Brien reportedly used a smiley face emoji when discussing the logistics of the Stereogum report. This is market manipulation. They are artificially inflating their own dopamine levels.
Q: What is the defense's response to these allegations?
A: Their counsel argued that playing 'No Surprises' in Tokyo still technically counts as a depression-inducing event. However, our models show that the sheer excitement of the Radiohead 2027 shows cancels out any therapeutic dread. We are recommending a court order to force Colin Greenwood to stare at a blank wall for six weeks prior to departure.
At press time, the Department of Justice reached a settlement with the band after Thom Yorke agreed to perform the entire 2027 tour while trapped inside a damp cardboard box.
