WASHINGTON—The House Committee on Vinyl Inflation opened hearings today regarding the classic 1986 album. Lawmakers examined how the industry tracked the Raising Hell anniversary and manipulated early hip-hop sales data.
PROSECUTOR: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
WITNESS: My name is Barnaby Quill. I served as the Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. In 1986, major labels hired me to monitor the Raising Hell anniversary projections forty years in advance.
Q: Did you manipulate the Billboard charts to favor leather jackets over denim?
A: We did. We diverted funds from soft rock to purchase three million pairs of unlaced sneakers.
Q: So the entire boom was a shell game orchestrated by athletic wear executives?
A: Yes. Every time a kid bought the album, we routed twelve cents to a secret shell company. We called it the 'Aerosmith Royalty Recovery Fund.' It was the only way to save rock music.
Q: Did other labels know about this scheme during the Raising Hell anniversary planning?
A: Everyone knew. We even paid radio DJs in gold chains to pretend they liked loud drum machines. The entire modern music economy rests on this single lie.
At press time, the committee subpoenaed the estate of Jam Master Jay to recover three thousand missing Kangol hats.
