WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall for the Neurosis reunion tour following severe structural damage reported during their opening performance in San Francisco. Federal inspectors cited extreme sonic heavy atmospheric pressure capable of collapsing human posture. Officials urged all citizens to cease attending concerts immediately.
Hazard Assessment
The agency identified significant hazards during the initial 11-song set. Sound waves generated by the heavy post-metal pioneers caused localized gravity spikes near the soundboard. Multiple patrons experienced overwhelming existential dread. Some fans became permanently fused to the floorboards of the venue.
"The sound pressure levels exceeded statutory limits for human despair," said Dr. Arthur Pendelton, Chief Audio Hazards Inspector. "We logged intense psychological resonance during the performance. We cannot guarantee the structural integrity of any audience member exposed to these riffs."
Affected Units and Remedy
The recall affects all dates of the current Neurosis reunion tour across North America. Approximately 15,000 concertgoers hold tickets for affected performances. Regulators warn that exposure to the music may cause prolonged catatonia, unexplained ear ringing, and sudden urges to stare into the abyss.
"We are seeing severe vibe compliance violations," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "The sheer emotional weight of this setlist bypasses standard consumer safety filters. It simply presents too much dark energy for the general public."
Consumer Action Required
Ticket holders must return their passes to the point of purchase for a full refund. Venue owners must deploy industrial-grade acoustic dampeners before hosting any further dates on the Neurosis reunion tour. At press time, inspectors attempting to confiscate the band's amplifiers were instantly vaporized by a single open E-tuning chord soundcheck.
