WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a nationwide recall today for the new Reign single. Government officials warned consumers to stop playing the collaborative track immediately. The song features rappers 2 Chainz, Cash Cobain, and Young Nudy. Regulators discovered that the song's humid, soul-sampled production generates physical, localized weather systems inside residential homes.
Severe Precipitation Hazard
The federal agency filed the emergency order after receiving over 400 reports of indoor rainstorms. "The product emits an unsafe level of slippery, strip-club-grade atmosphere," said Marcus Bellweather, Deputy Director of Sonic Humidity Control. "We traced the issue to the high-pitched vocal sample. It instantly condenses room-temperature air into heavy downpours. One teenager in Ohio woke up to a fully operational swamp in his bedroom."
Affected units include all digital streams of the Reign single on Spotify, Apple Music, and YouTube. Regulators advise listeners to wear yellow rain slickers if they must access the track. The heavy Atlanta bass frequencies apparently weaken drywall and promote rapid mold growth.
The Proposed Remedy
Industry experts recommend an immediate system flush. "We are advising victims to play dry acoustic folk music," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "A single spin of any Mumford & Sons track will dry out your living room in minutes. Do not attempt to towel off the walls while the Cash Cobain chorus is still playing."
At press time, federal agents were seen entering the Magic City strip club in Atlanta to confiscate several damp subwoofers.
