DETROIT— A bitter Michigan Democratic rift deepened Tuesday after campaign aides confirmed that Abdul El-Sayed and Haley Stevens currently require separate, non-overlapping atmospheric envelopes. The tension began during a routine town hall in Lansing. Party leaders asked both candidates to refrain from breathing the same oxygen.
Building The Great Wall Of Lansing
Staffers worked around the clock to prevent any accidental eye contact between the rivals. The state party hired teamsters to construct giant foam boards across all campaign venues. They even assigned separate GPS coordinates for each candidate within the same diner.
"The Michigan Democratic rift has reached an unprecedented tactical stage," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "We calculate a 94 percent chance that both campaigns will eventually demand their own personal horizon lines. Neither candidate can afford to share a horizon right now."
A Divided Campaign Trail
Local organizers now schedule events using military-grade clock synchronization. When Stevens enters a local diner, El-Sayed must immediately board a subterranean transport pod. Voters in Grand Rapids watched in confusion as staffers rolled El-Sayed out in a soundproof acrylic sphere. According to reports on CNN, the sphere allowed him to wave without risking shared airspace.
"We just want to focus on the issues," said Dale Vance, Chief Architect of Political Cardboard Barriers. "Unfortunately, keeping these two candidates 500 yards apart takes up most of our policy budget."
At press time, party officials were attempting to split the state of Michigan down the middle with a very long piece of yellow caution tape.
