TO: All Global Marketing Staff
FROM: Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Because Music
RE: Shygirl Announces New Album Swallow! Safety Protocols
LONDON—We are thrilled that Shygirl announces new album Swallow! today. However, legal has flagged the bass frequencies on the lead single "Lucky (hymn)" as a structural hazard. Staff must distribute industrial-grade earmuffs to all club promoters immediately. We cannot afford another lawsuit like the 2024 Sweat Tour incident.
Corporate Liability and Subwoofers
Our risk assessment team analyzed the new tracks this morning. They concluded that the low-end frequencies could liquefy cartilage. "We love the artistic direction of the new record," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "But our algorithms show a 400 percent spike in listener ear-bleeding if played at full volume."
We must control the rollout of this project. When Shygirl announces new album Swallow! to the public, do not mention the sound levels. Frame the mandatory ear protection as a high-fashion accessory. We already printed the Nike swoosh on 50,000 plastic earplugs.
The Compliance Initiative
Failure to wear protective gear during playback sessions will result in immediate termination. We must protect our staff from the sheer density of the club beats. "The snare on 'Lucky (hymn)' cracked my smartphone screen from three feet away," noted one junior publicist who requested anonymity.
We expect total compliance with these guidelines by Friday morning. Let us make this release a safe, quiet, and highly profitable success.
Sincerely,
The Risk Management Team
Dictated but not read while wearing double-layer acoustic helmets so we do not have to actually listen to the music we license.
