FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—The Smithsonian Institution today announced an aggressive Smithsonian reshaping plan to streamline its cultural offerings. This bold initiative follows the sudden departure of leadership. The new direction will replace every single historical artifact currently in the collection. Visitors will soon enjoy life-sized bronze casts of weekend guests from the Mar-a-Lago resort.
A Dynamic Vision For History
The new strategy aims to make history feel more current and premium. The museum will melt down the Star-Spangled Banner. It will use the metal to secure the base of a giant statue of a Palm Beach real estate developer. Curators will also clear out the Hope Diamond. The jewel will make way for a gilded buffet table displaying replica shrimp cocktail.
"We are proud to announce this vital Smithsonian reshaping," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Our research shows that the public is tired of looking at old space capsules. They want to see what a retired tile manufacturer from New Jersey looks like in a very tight polo shirt. This Smithsonian reshaping delivers exactly that."
Curator Enthusiasm Unlocked
Museum staff expressed immense excitement about the new direction. They look forward to dusting the bronze loafers of various golf partners. The Hope Diamond exhibit room will now host a permanent loop of private club membership policies.
"About the Smithsonian: Founded in 1846 with funds from a British scientist, the institution has spent nearly two centuries collecting priceless global treasures. We have now realized this was a massive waste of storage space. We exist solely to polish thirty-five identical statues of men named Herb who made their fortunes in regional drywall distribution. All sales are final."
