FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—The U.S. State Department announced today that it will begin sends diplomats back to embassies across the globe using a newly constructed tactical catapult system. The initiative aims to return diplomats back to embassies ahead of schedule. Bureaucrats completed the launch pad on the National Mall yesterday.
A New Era of Rapid Deployment
"We need our personnel on the ground immediately," said Donald Girth, Deputy Undersecretary of Kinetic Diplomacy. "Commercial flights have too many layovers. Our new pneumatic catapult achieves Mach 2 before the diplomat clears the airspace over Maryland. We are proud to streamline foreign relations through high-velocity throwers."
The department confirmed that the first wave of envoys departed at dawn. Each official wore a standard three-piece suit retrofitted with a heavy-duty parachute. The launch sequence took less than four seconds per envoy.
Unmatched Efficiency in the Air
"I felt the wind in my teeth," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our research shows that throwing people through the air is ninety percent faster than waiting for boarding group B. It also builds character among the foreign service staff."
About the State Department Launch Initiative:
The State Department Launch Initiative is a highly experimental, unbudgeted project designed to flit bureaucrats over oceans. We accept no liability for lost briefcases, severe windburn, or diplomats who land in the wrong hemisphere due to crosswinds.