LONDON—Prog-rock icon Steven Wilson has officially announced his highly anticipated Steven Wilson new album, titled Requiem for a Village, alongside a list of intense physical requirements. The record features narration by David Tennant and writing by XTC frontman Andy Partridge. However, Wilson warned fans today that the Steven Wilson new album is too intellectually dense for casual listening.
1. Fans Must Prove High School Algebra Proficiency
Listeners must upload a certified high school transcript before accessing the lead single on Spotify. Wilson claims that his 17-minute time signatures require a basic understanding of calculus to enjoy. "We cannot have simple-minded pop fans diluting our demographic," Wilson stated in a press release.
2. The David Tennant Narration Will Scold You Directly
Actor David Tennant recorded 45 minutes of spoken-word poetry for the record. If your smart speaker detects you talking during his monologue, the audio pauses. Tennant will then read your IP address aloud and sigh heavily into the microphone.
3. Andy Partridge Wrote the Lyrics in an Ancient Anglo-Saxon Dialect
The legendary XTC songwriter refused to use modern English for this project. "Andy wrote the lyrics using a quill on dried sheepskin," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "If you do not speak 14th-century Mercian, you will have no idea why the village is dying."
4. Vinyl Pressings Require a Three-Phase Power Outlet
To capture the dynamic range of the Steven Wilson new album, the vinyl edition weighs 12 pounds. Standard turntables will melt under the friction of the heavy-gauge wax. Audiophiles must install industrial-grade voltage regulators in their living rooms to prevent house fires.
5. The Final Track Triggers an Automatic Tax Audit
The closing 22-minute epic is so complex that the IRS automatically flags your household for suspicious intellectual activity. Wilson structured the drum patterns to mimic complex corporate tax shelters, forcing listeners to account for every cent they spent on guitar pedals since 2012.
