LOS ANGELES—A federal courtroom descended into chaos today during the intellectual property trial over the new Peel Dream Magazine vinyl release, as witnesses exposed a vast conspiracy involving the band's expanded Taurus reissue. The litigation, which focuses on the physics of stretching a 2023 EP into a full-length LP, took a bizarre turn during the cross-examination of the band's lead creator, Joe Stevens. Legal experts warn the testimony could dismantle the entire indie rock economy.
PROSECUTOR: State your name for the record.
WITNESS: Joe Stevens. I run Peel Dream Magazine.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Stevens, you recently announced an expanded version of your record Taurus. Correct?
WITNESS: Yes. We added new songs, including "Blind Faith." We wanted a full Peel Dream Magazine vinyl release.
PROSECUTOR: "Blind Faith" is a skittering electronic pop track. Is that correct?
WITNESS: It is very vibey, yes.
PROSECUTOR: But you did not write it, did you? You harvested those frequencies from a downed weather balloon in New Mexico.
WITNESS: That is standard protocol for shoegaze artists. Slumberland Records provides the coordinates.
PROSECUTOR: Let the record show the witness admitted to using government-funded cosmic hums for his Peel Dream Magazine vinyl pressings.
WITNESS: Everybody does it! Yo La Tengo has been doing it since 1992! Where do you think Georgia Hubley gets her snare tone?
PROSECUTOR: Silence! Is it also true that the "expanded" portion of the record is just a single loop of a dial-up modem slowed down by 800 percent?
WITNESS: It creates a lush, pastoral landscape! The fans want the vinyl weight! They do not care if the B-side is just the sound of a refrigerator hum!
PROSECUTOR: And how do you justify the shipping costs?
WITNESS: We route the mail trucks through the fourth dimension. It keeps the cardboard jacket crisp.
PROSECUTOR: No further questions. Your Honor, the entire indie ecosystem is a front for alien transit.
