TO: All Staff
FROM: Henrik Lindqvist, Chief of Mammalian Synergy
RE: Maximizing Sweden's startup boom through antler integration
We must address the recent influx of venture capital. Tech giants are watching Stockholm. Our valuation soared because of our operational secret. We do not build software. We manage emotional support moose. This strategy drives the current Sweden's startup boom.
New Moose Deployment Protocols
Our partners at Spotify pioneered this method. Each department will now receive one adult bull moose. Do not look the moose in the eyes. The moose regulates your nervous system. This allows for faster coding. "The gentle grunting of a five-hundred-pound herbivore replaced our HR department," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. Periwinkle joined our advisory board last month to streamline acoustic animal therapy.
We must maintain this momentum. Foreign investors believe we write revolutionary code. We actually just brush thick brown fur. This keeps morale high. High morale leads to fake demo videos. Fake demo videos lead to billions in funding. We must protect this delicate cycle at all costs.
Mandatory Grazing Breaks
"We tried using dogs but they lacked the gravitas needed for Series A rounds," said Birgitta Svensson, Executive Director of the Swedish Cervid Compliance Bureau. Svensson noted that Swedish startups now consume 80 percent of the nation's wild foliage. We will install moss walls on the third floor. This is not for aesthetics. This is feed.
Please clear your desks of all small electronics. The moose will stomp on them. This is part of their healing process. Do not file insurance claims for stomped laptops. We will write them off as research and development. This keeps our taxable income low.
Ultimately, we do not care about the software. We care about the venture capital. If the investors find out we just stare at forest animals all day, the Sweden's startup boom will collapse. Please delete all emails containing the word 'hoof' immediately. Under no circumstances should you tell the Americans.
