WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for the new TAGABOW mixtape, officially titled KOOL FAITH / LOOSIES II, due to excessive levels of underground prestige. The highly anticipated TAGABOW mixtape contains concentrated levels of noise-pop. Regulators determined these levels are unsafe for casual listeners.
Hazard: Extreme Scene Density
The commission launched an investigation after several listeners reported breathing difficulties. These occurred while streaming the collaborative tracks. The mixtape features high-density cameos from SPIRIT OF THE BEEHIVE, Hotline TNT, and Greg Mendez. Experts warn that combining these artists creates a localized vacuum of irony. This vacuum can suffocate anyone wearing a Carhartt beanie.
"The sheer volume of fuzz-pedal distortion on this TAGABOW mixtape exceeds federal safety standards," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "We observed test subjects nodding their heads so aggressively that they suffered mild concussions. The inclusion of RXKNephew only compounded the structural instability of the audio files."
Affected Units and Immediate Remedy
The recall affects all digital streams, Bandcamp downloads, and rumored cassette pressings. If you currently possess files from this TAGABOW mixtape, please delete them immediately. The government recommends replacing them with something commercially inert. They suggest the latest Coldplay single.
"We are working closely with the band to dilute the formula," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "We hope to reissue a safer version. It will feature a generic acoustic guitar solo. This will lower the overall cool factor to a manageable level."
At press time, federal agents were actively seizing hard drives containing the Horse Jumper of Love feature, citing a high risk of spontaneous slowcore-induced lethargy.
