TAIPEI—Taiwanese aerospace engineers pivoted today to a giant rubber band to power their local satellite launcher initiative. The sudden shift followed a minor setback with their liquid-fueled rocket prototype. Project leaders confirmed the giant slingshot is currently drying on a local high school football field.
A Snap Back To Reality
The state-sponsored program suffered a major blow when their primary thruster refused to ignite. Rather than wait for new parts, scientists purchased 40,000 feet of industrial-grade elastic. They secured the band to two concrete pillars near the Taiwan Space Agency headquarters. Project managers remain optimistic about the new propulsion system.
"Standard rocket science is too slow," said Dr. Arthur Chen, Director of Elastic Ballistics for the national satellite launcher program. "The rubber band offers immediate tension. We just need twelve strong men to pull the satellite launcher back. We expect to reach low Earth orbit by Thursday if the wind stays calm."
Stretching The Budget
The space agency redirected 80 percent of its research budget to purchase massive tubs of talcum powder. The powder prevents the band from snapping prematurely in the tropical humidity. Experts from neighboring nations expressed deep concern over the trajectory calculations.
"We did not account for birds," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, who consulted on the launch aesthetics. "A single pigeon could ruin the tension. However, the launch photos will look incredible on social feeds."
At press time, the launch crew delayed the countdown because someone misplaced the giant plastic clip required to hold the satellite launcher in place.
