NEW YORK— A federal courtroom descended into chaos Friday as a tech founder admitted that his new venture, along with the entire tech startups industry, operates on the exact same principles as a prison cartel. Richard Bronson, creator of the ex-con networking app Commissary Club, testified in a trademark dispute. He quickly turned the proceedings into a sweeping indictment of Silicon Valley. Under intense questioning, Bronson laid bare the similarities between venture capital rounds and cellblock extortion rackets.
The Prosecution: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
The Witness: Richard Bronson, founder of Commissary Club. I help former inmates leverage their prison skills in the tech world.
The Prosecution: And what skills are those, Mr. Bronson?
The Witness: Extortion, hoarding scarce resources, and inventing fake currencies. We call it venture capital. We realized tech startups are basically just organized crime but with better fleece vests. You raise a seed round, which is just protection money. You lock users into an ecosystem. That is just a territorial monopoly. When we do a hostile takeover, we do not use shivs. We use lawyers. The psychological effect is identical.
The Prosecution: Are you suggesting your investors are gang leaders?
The Witness: Absolutely. Andreessen Horowitz is just the Aryan Brotherhood but with higher SAT scores. They both control the yard. They both demand a cut of your commissary. If you do not pay your tribute, they freeze you out of the market. I learned everything I know about series-A funding rounds from a guy named 'Two-Tone' McGee in federal lockup. He called it 'rent.' We call it 'Software as a Service.'
The Prosecution: Is there any part of the tech startups model that is legitimate?
The Witness: No. The whole thing is a hustle. We use artificial intelligence to automate the fraud now. It saves time. In prison, we traded cigarettes. In tech startups, we trade NFTs. Both have zero intrinsic value. Both rely on the belief that a bigger fool will buy them. Honestly, the guard structure in maximum security is much more transparent than the board of directors at any major tech incubator.
The Prosecution: Thank you, Mr. Bronson. No further questions before we call the bailiff.
