AUSTIN— A newly unsealed federal court transcript reveals that a Trump-aligned super PAC spent its entire $10 million budget for the Texas Senate race on a single, 80-foot-tall saguaro cactus. The revelation came during a routine campaign finance hearing in Texas federal district court on Tuesday. The transcript exposes how political consultants struggled to find any television airtime left to purchase, leading to the bizarre agricultural investment.
The Witness Testimony
Q: To clarify for the record, did your organization spend the entire $10 million Texas Senate race allotment on a desert plant?
A: Yes. We purchased the specimen from an exotic nursery in Arizona. We felt it sent a strong message of resilience. It is currently standing in a parking lot off Interstate 35.
Q: How does a giant cactus help win a modern political campaign, exactly?
A: It has very sharp needles. It represents our tough stance on border security. Frankly, the local television stations already sold out of commercial slots. We could not buy a single ad during the local news. The money had to go somewhere. The Federal Election Commission rules are very clear that we must spend the cash before November.
The Industry Standard
Q: Is this standard practice for modern political action committees?
A: More than you think. Last year we bought a flock of angry geese for a congressional race in Ohio. Political consulting is just buying large physical obstacles now. Everyone mutes their television anyway. You cannot mute a giant cactus. Drivers must look at it. It is 80 feet tall.
Q: Mr. Vance, did you or your firm receive a commission on this $10 million cactus?
A: Of course. We took a standard fifteen percent agency fee. We also spent $2 million on a giant cowboy hat to put on top of the cactus. We bought that from my brother-in-law's novelty shop. It was a very complex media buy.
Q: So you are telling this court that the entire Texas Senate race strategy relies on a giant prickly succulent?
A: It has a higher favorability rating than any candidate currently running in the state of Texas.
