AUSTIN, TX—The following is an excerpt from official court testimony regarding alleged campaign labor violations during the recent Texas Senate race, where Senator Ted Cruz was observed physically rolling Attorney General Ken Paxton toward the polling location.
Q: Please state your full name for the record.
A: My name is Arthur Pendelton. I am the Lead Biomechanical Engineer for the Republican Party of Texas.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, can you describe the physical condition of Attorney General Ken Paxton on the morning of November 4th?
A: He was completely motionless. His campaign had lost all forward momentum. So, Senator Ted Cruz placed both hands on Mr. Paxton's shoulder blades. He began pushing him forward along Interstate 35. It was pure physical labor.
Q: Is this standard protocol for a modern political campaign?
A: Absolutely not. Normally, candidates use television ads to generate movement. But in this Texas Senate race, the friction was too high. Senator Cruz had to dig his boots into the asphalt. He gained three inches of ground every hour.
Q: Did Senator Cruz utilize any mechanical aids during this process?
A: Initially, no. He just grunted heavily. By noon, he applied industrial lubricant to Mr. Paxton's shoes. Later, he recruited two county commissioners to pull from the front with a heavy tow chain.
Q: To your knowledge, is the entire political establishment operating this way?
A: Yes. It is an industry-wide secret. Nobody actually moves on their own anymore. Every major candidate in America is currently being pushed from behind by a exhausted senior politician pushing a dolly. We used three tons of diesel fuel just to get the lieutenant governor through a drive-thru last week.
Q: So the entire political system relies on literal, manual force?
A: Yes. At press time, Senator Cruz was reportedly taking a five-minute water break while leaning against Mr. Paxton's lower back to prevent him from rolling backward down a steep hill.
