AUSTIN, TX—Tesla executives confirmed Tuesday that a prototype Tesla flying Roadster successfully took flight during a private test track demonstration, though company engineers remain entirely unsure how to bring the vehicle back down to Earth.
Cruising Above The Clouds
The experimental vehicle launched straight into the clouds using high-pressure cold-gas thrusters. Witnesses reported seeing the sports car achieve vertical takeoff before drifting aimlessly toward the upper atmosphere. According to spectators, company engineers immediately began cheering before realizing they had forgotten to design a landing gear or reverse propulsion system.
"The launch went flawlessly," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before, while tracking the vehicle with high-powered binoculars from the runway. "The car achieved a altitude of 30,000 feet in under four seconds. However, we are currently experiencing a slight technical hitch regarding gravitational re-entry."
A Very Long Commute
Board members inside the vehicle reportedly attempted to deploy the steering wheel to navigate back to Texas, only to realize the luxury features had no effect on atmospheric drag. Tesla technicians attempted to patch the car's software remotely, but the vehicle entered a blind spot over the Gulf of Mexico.
"We are working tirelessly on a solution," said Chief Engineer Marcus Vance. "Our current strategy involves waiting for the executive team to run out of compressed air, or simply rebranding the incident as a permanent orbital residency program for senior leadership."
At press time, ground control reported that the Tesla flying Roadster was currently coasting over Florida, with board members aggressively blinking its hazard lights to request assistance from passing commercial airliners.
