LONDON—The iconic rock band The Who have ended months of public confusion by confirming they will rehire Zak Starkey for their upcoming performances. The decision follows a chaotic cycle where the group fired, rehired, and fired the drummer again over claims of aggressive overplaying. Band leaders reportedly finalized the new contract after Starkey agreed to perform on his knees behind a miniature kit.
1. The Drummer Must Stay Beneath the Level of the Amps
Under the strict new terms, Starkey cannot stand up at any point during the set. The band installed a custom low-profile riser that keeps him physically below Pete Townshend’s guitar cabs. "It keeps his ego in check," said Arthur Pendelton, Head of Geriatric Rhythm Control for the band's management.
2. Pool Noodles Replace Standard Hickory Sticks
To prevent Starkey from drowning out the vocals, the band replaced his traditional sticks with neon-pink pool noodles. The soft foam material drastically reduces the volume of his snare hits. This ensures he cannot overplay during the delicate acoustic intro of "Behind Blue Eyes."
3. The Snare Drum Was Filled With Wet Sand
The road crew packed Starkey’s primary snare drum with forty pounds of wet playground sand. The modification dampens all natural resonance. "We wanted a sound that mimics a wet phone book hitting a mattress," Pendelton remarked.
4. Roger Daltrey Retains a Remote Kill Switch
If Starkey attempts a drum roll longer than three seconds, Daltrey can press a button on his microphone stand. The button triggers a mild static shock to Starkey’s stool. The band tested the system during rehearsals and reported excellent response times.
5. Starkey Must Wear Noise-Canceling Headphones Playing Only Polka
To throw off his internal rock metronome, the drummer must listen to upbeat Slovenian polka during the entire show. This keeps him from syncing up with Townshend’s heavy power chords. "He cannot overplay the rock hits if he is mentally playing a festival in Ljubljana," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected.
6. He Will Be Banned From Making Eye Contact With the Audience
The band erected a thick velvet curtain directly in front of the drum kit. Starkey will remain completely invisible to the crowd. This prevents him from feeding off the energy of the audience and launching into unapproved drum solos.
7. At Press Time, the Band Fired Him Again Mid-Sentence
At press time, Townshend reportedly fired Starkey via text message during the third verse of "Baba O'Riley" because his breathing was too loud in the monitor mix.
