TO: All European Tour Crew
FROM: Management
RE: Bob Dylan Unveils New Guitarist and Updated Stage Rules
Please note that Bob Dylan unveils new guitarist Doug Pettibone for the current European leg. This replacement occurred because the previous guitarist accidentally learned the chord progression to 'Like a Rolling Stone.' We cannot allow that level of comfort on stage. Total disorientation remains our primary artistic goal.
Mandatory Setlist Sabotage Protocol
'Bob Dylan unveils new guitarist every three weeks for a reason,' said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. 'The tension keeps the crowd from falling asleep during the forty-minute piano improvisations. If a musician looks confident, fire them immediately during the guitar solo.'
Effective tonight, Mr. Dylan will cover Randy Newman and Guy Clark without telling the band the key. The new guitarist must improvise in B-flat minor while Mr. Dylan plays in D major. If anyone plays the correct root note, crew members must mute their amplifier from the soundboard.
Emergency Audience Management
'We noticed a fan recognizing 'Tangled Up in Blue' in Prague,' said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Setlist Obfuscation. 'That was a catastrophic failure. When Bob Dylan unveils new guitarist personnel, the primary duty is to render classic hits completely unrecognizable. Re-tune all instruments to random frequencies before the encore.'
Do not allow the musicians to make eye contact with each other. If the new rhythm section establishes a steady groove, deploy stage smoke directly into their faces until they lose the beat. We are running an avant-garde experiment, not a rock concert.
We must keep changing players so nobody sues us for emotional distress after Mr. Dylan plays the piano with his elbows.
