LOS ANGELES—A federal inquiry into the Tinashe Popstar cover produced shocking revelations on Tuesday. Defense counsel cross-examined a key music industry executive regarding recent BBC Live Lounge performances. The tribunal sought answers about dangerous levels of dance-pop syncopation.
Q: State your full name and occupation for the record.
A: Marcus Vance. I am the Vice President of Audio Synergy at Sony Music.
Q: Mr. Vance, let us address the events of last Thursday. What occurred during the BBC broadcast?
A: Pop icon Robyn performed a live set. She delivered a Tinashe Popstar cover. However, she secretly blended it with the 2006 track 'Punkrocker' by Teddybears.
Q: Is it true this mashup created a groove so potent it violated international labor laws?
A: Yes. The Swedish government engineered those arpeggios in 1999. They knew the human nervous system could not resist them.
Q: So the label knowingly deployed this Tinashe Popstar cover to manipulate global streaming metrics?
A: We had no choice. Max Martin made us do it. Every major label uses Swedish pop technology to control the youth. We have been doing it since 'Show Me Love'.
Q: Are you telling this court that the entire Scandinavian music export economy is a psychological operation?
A: Exactly. We hide illegal sub-bass frequencies inside every single Tinashe Popstar cover. It forces listeners to purchase expensive European hatchback vehicles. I am so sorry. I cannot live with the lie anymore.
