TO: All Federal Reserve Board Staff
FROM: Office of the Chair
RE: Total Coincidence Regarding Upcoming Elections
WASHINGTON—As we maintain our current stance on interest rates, all employees must immediately cease using the word "midterms" during policy meetings. We make decisions strictly on economic data. We do not look at calendars. We do not know what a ballot looks like. Any staff member caught staring nervously at swing state polling data will face immediate disciplinary action.
Strict Guidelines for Rate Discussions
Please remember that our latest vote to hold interest rates steady was entirely apolitical. We chose this path because the numbers were very compelling. They were so compelling that we simply had no choice. If a journalist asks why we froze policy right before voters hit the booths, tell them you only understand basic arithmetic.
"We are purely technocratic public servants," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "We do not care who wins any election ever. We simply saw a line on a chart and decided to freeze in terror. That is standard central banking protocol."
Approved Phrases for Official Communications
When discussing our policy on interest rates with the press, staff must only use pre-approved phrases. Acceptable terms include "judicious pause," "data-dependent inertia," and "spontaneous macroeconomic paralysis." Under no circumstances should you mention that half the board suddenly started sweating during the last vote.
"Our decision-making framework relies on complicated math," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, who joined as an external consultant. "If that math happens to perfectly align with keeping everyone as calm as possible until November 6th, that is just a fun statistical quirk."
Please shred this document after reading. We need to keep the markets stable so the current administration doesn't scream at us on television tomorrow morning.
