TO: All Stereogum Editorial Staff
FROM: Scott Lapatine, Editor-in-Chief
RE: Mandate regarding Crowquill announce debut album post
Effective immediately, all staff writers must generate content for the band Crowquill. Last night, our lead writer accidentally drafted a headline reading 'Crowquill announce debut album Slept With Cannula.' We could not find a real group by that name. Therefore, we created one. You can read the official fake press release on Stereogum now. Do not tell the readers.
The Cannula Must Flow
Our audio engineering team spent three hours generating ghoulish post-punk soundscapes. The lead single is titled 'Cannula.' It features heavy bass and recorded hospital noises. 'We needed a sound that matched the word cannula,' said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. 'It sounds like a rusted IV drip hitting a marble floor. We put it on our New Music Friday playlist instantly.'
We need this album to stream well. The board will fire me if the phrase Crowquill announce debut album does not rank on Google. Assign five freelancers to review the record. Give it an 8.4 rating. Ensure the review uses words like 'visceral' and 'tubular.' Do not look up what a cannula actually does.
Corporate Synergies and Intravenous Gothic
Our merchandise department already printed three thousand shirts. They feature a raven holding a syringe. 'The band is totally real,' said Dr. Aris Thorne, Chief Executive Officer of Sub Pop Records. 'I personally saw them play in a basement in Providence. They wore medical scrubs and refused to look at the audience. It was deeply indie.'
Please pitch three follow-up feature stories by 5:00 PM today. Suggested angles include band member side projects or acoustic sessions. I signed a lease on a tour bus under their name. I am panicking. Just share the link on Twitter.
