TO: All Retail Experience Specialists
FROM: Corporate Operations
RE: Touchscreen MacBook Pro Rollout Strategy
Team, the launch of our new touchscreen MacBook Pro represents a historic breakthrough. For decades, we told consumers that touching a computer display was ergonomically disastrous. We called it 'finger fatigue.' We were wrong. Touching glass is now revolutionary, provided the glass costs $4,500.
New Revenue Streams
Customers will naturally want to press the new display immediately. Do not stop them. However, our new operating system tracks every distinct print. The base price includes five registerable taps per month. After that, the device will bill the user $1.99 per smudge. We expect this model to generate billions in high-margin software revenue.
"We calculated that the average user touches their phone screen 2,617 times a day," said Apple Vice President of Friction Optimization Marcus Vance. "If we capture even ten percent of those interactions on a laptop screen, our hardware pays for itself in four days. It is simple math."
Store Display Protocol
Floor models must remain covered in velvet until a customer swipes a credit card. Do not let children near the display units under any circumstances. Sticky fingers could accidentally trigger our automated bulk-data purchasing agreements. If a customer asks why the screen costs more than a used hatchback, remind them that innovation is priceless.
"The market has responded with overwhelming compliance," noted Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Consumers actually prefer paying a premium for features they previously claimed to hate. It creates a healthy sense of financial urgency."
The Real Objective
Please remember our core mission. We did not build a touchscreen MacBook Pro because users demanded it. We built it because we ran out of other parts to remove. Enjoy the launch quarter, and remember to wipe the demo screens with proprietary Apple Microfiber Cloths ($79 per box).
