BOSTON—The release of the new Tiny Habits album Keepers has triggered an unprecedented surge of polite eye contact across New England. Local authorities warned citizens to brace for extreme acoustic vulnerability. The folk-pop trio released the LP today. It features three-part harmonies so tight that they legally constitute a single vocal cord. Critics worry the Tiny Habits album Keepers will permanently lower national adrenaline levels.
A Threat to Public Cynicism
The band met at the Berklee College of Music. They quickly mastered the art of singing very softly. "We detected a massive drop in sarcasm index scores near Boston," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. "Our algorithms cannot process this level of unironic emotional availability. The Tiny Habits album Keepers is currently threatening our entire database of internet snark."
Guitar shops reported a 400 percent increase in acoustic purchases. Customers reportedly asked for instruments that "look like they have seen a sad river." The band's label, Mom+Pop Music, denies any intentional psychological warfare.
The Danger of Three-Part Harmony
Musicologists warn that three people singing in perfect unison can bypass human defense mechanisms. "We tested the record on angry commuters," said Dr. Marcus Feather, Director of Chordal Subjugation at Harvard University. "After track four, eighty percent of them offered to help a stranger move a couch."
At press time, the National Guard deployed noise-canceling headphones to the tristate area after a local man was hospitalized for smiling too long during the Tiny Habits album Keepers track-by-track breakdown.
