TO: All Senior Congressional Budget Staffers
FROM: Office of the House Ways and Means Committee
RE: Financial Feasibility of the Trump midterm $5,000 promise
As you know, our leadership promised a $5,000 payout to every adult citizen if we maintain control of Congress. We must now balance the federal budget to accommodate this $1.3 trillion campaign pledge. Effective immediately, we will initiate severe cost-cutting measures across all agencies to fund the House Ways and Means initiative.
Mandatory Federal Agency Downsizing
"We are ready to make the hard choices," said Brenda Clack, Deputy Director of the Bureau of National Ledger Balancing. "To fund the Trump midterm $5,000 promise, we are eliminating the concept of federal infrastructure maintenance. We will also sell the state of Delaware to a private equity firm."
Furthermore, all department heads must transition their staff to a volunteer-only model. We will replace standard salaries with high-quality commemorative copper coins. We expect these coins to appreciate in value over the next century.
Innovative Revenue Generation
"We must think outside the box to secure these voter payouts," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who currently consults for our finance committee. "We plan to monetize the national airspace by selling audio advertising rights. Air traffic controllers will read sponsored ads directly to commercial pilots mid-flight."
We will also lease the Lincoln Memorial to a mattress company for weekend tent sales. Please instruct your staff to begin packing all non-essential historical documents for a giant paper recycling drive. We thank you for your cooperation in this urgent effort to buy back the electorate.
Sincerely,
The Committee to Keep Our Jobs At Any Cost
