TO: All Executive Branch Personnel
FROM: Office of Strategic Messaging
RE: Phase Two of the rebrand inflation initiative
We must alter how we discuss consumer prices immediately. The public keeps using negative economic terms. Moving forward, no staffer may use the word rising costs. You must rebrand inflation as an unexpected national financial donation. Our internal focus groups show voters hate paying eight dollars for eggs. However, they love participating in mandatory patriotic micro-investments.
New Terminology Guidelines
Please review the updated vocabulary chart before your next television appearance. The Bureau of Labor Statistics tracks numbers that sound scary. We need warmer phrasing. Expensive milk is now premium liquid calcium. Gas prices are not surging. They are dynamically reflecting America’s boundless energy potential.
"We are not experiencing price hikes," said Arthur Pendelton, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Semantic Adjustment. "Consumers simply receive less product per dollar to save counter space. Shrinkflation is actually a space-saving public service. We are curing clutter in American kitchens."
Enforcement And Compliance
Department heads will monitor all media interviews. Anyone caught admitting that groceries cost more will face consequences. They will spend one week explaining high interest rates to furious voters in Ohio.
"The economy is booming if you turn the chart upside down," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who joined our messaging task force. "We recommend playing upbeat pop tracks in grocery aisles. High vibes distract people from empty wallets."
Please burn this document after reading. We cannot let the press find out we are running low on fresh buzzwords. Sincerely, The Management.
