WASHINGTON—President Donald Trump continued his solitary quest this week. He struggled to build a Strait of Hormuz coalition. His efforts to secure international support faltered. Allies around the globe remained notably absent. Trump instead sought counsel from an unlikely source. He reportedly consulted a particularly shiny trophy.
A Unilateral Appeal
The President’s campaign began weeks ago. He issued numerous direct appeals. Many went straight to voicemail. Others were marked “spam.” Trump personally called several world leaders. He even left a detailed message for Queen Elizabeth II. Her Majesty’s office cited “previous engagements.” They reportedly involved a corgi fashion show.
“It’s a tough room,” admitted Chad Bradfield, 47, White House Intern for International Relations and Snack Procurement. “He tried offering free golf memberships. He even mentioned ‘bigly’ discounts on Mar-a-Lago stays.” Bradfield reportedly spent his afternoon polishing the Resolute Desk. The President also attempted to recruit the United Nations. He sent them a crayon drawing of a secure shipping lane. You can learn more about the United Nations here.
Trump remained undeterred. He held several internal meetings. These included only himself. He spoke passionately to an empty chair. He then praised its commitment. The President then declared the chair a “vital strategic partner.” He reportedly assigned it the codename “Chair-man Mao.” The lack of a robust Strait of Hormuz coalition weighed heavily.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
Sources close to the Oval Office detailed Trump’s latest strategy. He held extended “negotiations” with his own reflection. “The reflection was incredibly supportive,” stated Melania Trump, First Lady and occasional White House botanist. “It agreed with every single point he made.” The President was heard complimenting the reflection’s “fantastic negotiating skills.” He then signed an executive order. The order declared Tuesday “National Self-Reflection Day.” For more information on the geography of the region, visit the CIA World Factbook on Iran.
The President’s efforts to open the Strait of Hormuz coalition continued. He announced plans for a “very important” press conference. It would feature his new ally, the trophy. He also hinted at a secret pact. It was allegedly made with his own shadow.
At press time, the trophy reportedly refused to sign a joint communique. It cited “lack of independent agency.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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