WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall for the Wu-Tang Clan album Once Upon a Time in Shaolin on Tuesday. Regulators took action after rapper Method Man listened to the rare recording on a podcast. He offered a surprisingly neutral assessment during the broadcast. Officials designated the Wu-Tang Clan album a potential hazard to public indifference.
Hazard Description and Scope
The product poses a risk of mild acoustic mildness. Federal testing confirmed the audio contains moderate levels of nineties nostalgia. Exposure may cause sudden shrugs or lukewarm head nods in listeners. "We detected an alarming level of acceptable music," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "The public expected absolute garbage. This lack of disaster threatens established online commentary frameworks."
This recall affects exactly one physical unit of the Wu-Tang Clan album. The unique audio CD features a hand-carved nickel box. Martin Shkreli previously owned the disputed artifact. Digital copies currently playing on host servers fall under the federal order. The government urges all current owners to pause playback immediately.
Remedy and Consumer Instructions
Consumers must cease listening to the Wu-Tang Clan album right away. The commission advises fans to replace the audio with standard streaming playlists. "Unregulated satisfaction creates severe economic instability," warned Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "If people like things moderately, the entire outrage economy collapses."
At press time, the CPSC ordered the album sealed in a vault until Method Man changes his mind.
