KAZAN—The international community watched closely as the BRICS summit commenced this week. Officials released a strict list of diplomatic guidelines to govern the highly anticipated Modi and Xi meeting. Diplomats from both nations worked overnight to draft these rules. They want to ensure that bilateral talks remain suitably tense. Neither leader wants to accidentally signal warmth on the global stage.
1. No Direct Eye Contact for More Than Three Seconds
Both leaders must look slightly to the left of each other\'s ears. This prevents any accidental moments of deep, soulful connection. "A single lingering glance could ruin years of border disputes," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. She noted that prolonged eye contact triggers empathy, which is highly detrimental to geopolitical grandstanding.
2. Trade Talks Must Only Use Metaphors About Spicy Food
The delegation banned direct mentions of tariffs or technology transfers. Instead, negotiators must discuss the Modi and Xi meeting through the medium of culinary heat. Indian officials will refer to regional microchips as "ghost peppers." Chinese officials will counter by calling their export quotas "Szechuan peppercorns." Translators expect the entire trade summit to sound like a highly aggressive cooking show.
3. The Handshake Must Last Exactly 1.4 Seconds
A team of independent Swiss physicists will monitor the physical contact. The grip must register between four and five pounds of pressure. Any longer than 1.4 seconds will imply a mutual defense pact. Any shorter will constitute a formal declaration of trade war. Both leaders practiced with a digital pressure-sensitive mannequin for three weeks prior to the summit.
4. Ban on Shared Playlists
The host country strictly prohibited any shared audio entertainment. "We cannot risk them bonding over a shared love of mid-tempo synth-pop," warned Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. Bellweather advised that a shared acoustic guitar track could instantly dismantle decades of military buildup along the Himalayan border.
5. The Final Press Release Must Be Entirely Untranslatable
To maintain domestic strength, both sides agreed that the final joint statement of the Modi and Xi meeting will use a fictional language. The document will consist of complex riddles and vague weather metaphors. This allows both state-run media empires to claim absolute diplomatic victory. At press time, translators were struggling to find a Mandarin equivalent for the phrase "we agree to disagree on who owns the mountain."
