NEW DELHI— A tribunal transcript released Tuesday details the rapid rise of Cockroach Party protests across major metropolitan centers, exposing a widespread political network operating beneath kitchen appliances nationwide.
PROCEEDINGS OF THE SPECIAL ADMINISTRATIVE TRIBUNAL FOR URBAN PEST CONTROL
CASE NO. 884-B: THE STATE V. RADIKAL PEST MANAGEMENT CORP.
DATE: OCTOBER 24, 2023
Q: Mr. Vance, as Chief Sanitation Officer, you oversaw the containment strategy during the recent Cockroach Party protests in New Delhi, correct?
A: Yes, counselor. We deployed standard bait traps near Central Park. But the subjects organized a counter-rally inside the perimeter wall.
Q: Did the subjects make specific political demands during these demonstrations?
A: They chanted slogans demanding total immunity from rolled-up newspapers. They also called for an immediate ban on all shoe soles thicker than two millimeters. By noon, thousands of them waved tiny flags made from discarded candy wrappers.
Q: How did municipal authorities respond to the growing Cockroach Party protests?
A: Officers attempted to spray the area with concentrated Baygon. However, the protesters simply absorbed the chemical compound. They used it to fuel an impromptu late-night dance rally behind an abandoned refrigerator.
Q: Is it true your agency offered economic concessions to end the blockade?
A: We offered them two tons of unwashed butter knives and a moist cardboard box near the train station. But their leadership rejected the peace package outright. They demanded full voting rights in the upcoming municipal elections. They also asked for permanent residency under every sink in the capital.
Q: What is the current status of the movement's supreme leadership?
A: "We detained their regional chairman inside a matchbox early this morning," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "However, thirty thousand vice-chairmen immediately emerged from the floorboards to take his place. They survive everything. We cannot defeat them through normal legal procedures."
