BRUSSELS—European diplomats in the West Bank now wear neon yellow tactical vests. The European Union issued the new dress code on Thursday. Foreign service officials must wear high-visibility helmets during all field assignments.
1. The Neon Silk Necktie
Diplomats must replace traditional silk ties with reflective neon polyester versions. The vests feature giant glow-in-the-dark badges reading 'PLEASE DO NOT ATTACK.' Officials hope the bright colors will clearly signal their total lack of military authority.
2. Standard-Issue Strongly Worded Megaphones
Field envoys now carry reinforced bullhorns to broadcast immediate stern disapproval. The devices play pre-recorded condemnations in five languages at maximum volume. "We expect these megaphones to de-escalate situations instantly," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected.
3. Inflatable De-Escalation Pillows
Attaches will deploy self-inflating velvet cushions during sudden physical altercations. The soft barriers allow diplomats to comfortably absorb impacts while reviewing foreign policy protocols. The European External Action Service designed the pillows for maximum dignity retention.
4. Tactical Protocol Binders
Every delegate now carries a 40-pound armored binder filled with bilateral treaties. Diplomats can hold the thick legal documents over their faces during aggressive incidents. The heavy covers reportedly withstand direct hits from moderate-sized gravel.
5. Emergency Escalation Whistles
If attacked, envoys must blow small silver whistles to summon immediate press conferences. "The sharp sound alerts nearby reporters to gather for emergency briefings," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. "A well-timed statement remains humanity's ultimate shield against physical violence."
6. Deployable Laminated Geneva Convention Cards
Diplomats will hand out glossy, laminated reference cards explaining international immunity laws. The cards feature colorful infographics detailing proper diplomatic decorum. Envoys plan to pass them out to hostile crowds before attempting any further negotiations.
