WASHINGTON—The Pentagon recently released photos showing the heavily weathered hull of the Navy's flagship vessel. Observers immediately noticed the extreme rust after a marathon deployment. To help you identify if your own multi-billion-dollar military asset requires cosmetic maintenance, we compiled this guide to the decaying state of the USS Abraham Lincoln.
1. Local Barnacles Have Established a Sovereign State
The marine life clinging to the hull has formed a complex, representative democracy. They drafted a constitution last week. Navy officials tried to scrape them off but withdrew after the barnacles threatened to sue under international maritime law.
2. Sailors Are Committing Petty Theft in Pattaya
Weary crew members recently arrived in Pattaya, Thailand, seeking immediate distraction. Several sailors allegedly stole a single bucket of blue Rust-Oleum spray paint from a local hardware store. "We just wanted to touch up the captain's quarters," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, who happened to be vacationing nearby.
3. The Ship Hallucinated an Entire Island
During a routine patrol, the navigation system mistook a massive orange rust flake on the bow camera for a hostile landmass. The crew nearly launched an amphibious assault on a piece of their own flaking metal. "It is a fever dream right now," said Chief Petty Officer Marcus Vance, who has spent nine months scraping orange powder off his uniform.
4. Seagulls Are Refusing to Land on It
Local avian populations are actively avoiding the aircraft carrier. Ornithologists report that the birds find the aesthetic of the USS Abraham Lincoln deeply offensive to their personal style. The gulls prefer to land on clean, modern destroyers instead.
5. The Navy Rebranded the Vessel as 'Industrial Chic'
The Pentagon officially declared that the rust is actually a deliberate design choice. They hope the distressed look will appeal to younger recruits who enjoy hipster coffee shops. "We wanted a raw, organic aesthetic for the modern theater of war," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the U.S. Department of Defense. At press time, the vessel was sold to a Brooklyn real estate developer for three billion dollars.