WASHINGTON—Defense officials confirm the Pentagon is currently planning a post-midterms attack on Iran. Military strategists stress that war requires strict time management. No one wants global conflict to interfere with campaign ad buys or local polling places. Here are the official scheduling rules for planning a post-midterms attack on Iran.
1. Wait Until Every Single Ballot Is Counted
General Douglas Sterling insisted on absolute political neutrality. "We cannot launch a cruise missile during a recount," Sterling said. "It creates severe logistical confusion for local poll workers in Ohio."
2. Clear It With the Local Weather Team
Defense planners refuse to bomb strategic facilities during severe rainstorms. Bad weather ruins photo opportunities for visiting politicians. Military officials always check local forecast radar before setting a final target date.
3. Do Not Conflict With Thursday Night Football
Pentagon officials checked the broadcast schedule before finalizing strike windows. Networks refuse to pre-empt major rivalry games for foreign policy updates. Striking Tehran during the third quarter would hurt viewer engagement metrics.
4. Let Politicians Finish Their victory Speeches
"Candidates need time to thank their spouses and campaign staff," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Strategic and International Studies. "Dropping bombs during an acceptance speech distracts from key economic messaging."
5. Send Out Calendar Invites Early
High-ranking officials require proper advance notice for major geopolitical escalations. Leaving a military operation as a tentative Outlook invite causes severe anxiety. Strategic partners need at least three business days to clear their schedules.
6. Reschedule Instantly If the Senate Goes to a Runoff
Nothing overrides a high-stakes Georgia runoff election. If voters must return to the polls in December, all tactical bombers will remain grounded. National security always takes a back seat to televised debates.
