LOS ANGELES—Six years after her last release, R&B star Jhené Aiko shocked the music world this week by dropping a massive 20-track record. Listeners attempting to digest the Westside Whimsy album length face immediate spiritual and physical challenges. The sprawling project features heavyweights like Kendrick Lamar and Ab-Soul. However, doctors warn that the human brain cannot process this much ambient wind-chime energy in one sitting.
1. Begin Training with Hydration and Deep Breathing
Do not attempt to tackle the Westside Whimsy album length without preparing your lungs. The record features over forty minutes of sustained vocal sighs and ocean wave sound effects. Listeners must inhale deeply during the Kendrick Lamar verse or risk oxygen deprivation.
2. Consult a Spiritual Advisor
"We are seeing unprecedented levels of third-eye dilation in the emergency room," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. She warns that the sheer volume of incense references on the record can cause mild hallucinations of sage burning in your kitchen.
3. Do Not Drive Heavy Machinery During Track 14
The middle section of the album lowers your heart rate to near-hibernation levels. Several commuters have already drifted off into peaceful, pastel-colored dreams while sitting in gridlock traffic. Keep your window rolled down to counteract the soothing vocal layers.
4. Pacify Your Neighbors with Artisanal Tea
The bass frequencies on this record are tuned specifically to resonate with crystals and expensive pottery. If your neighbor plays this album, your walls will vibrate at a frequency of pure, unbothered peace. Offer them chamomile tea to de-escalate the sudden onset of neighborhood harmony.
5. Fake Your Own Death to Avoid Explaining the Tracklist
At press time, several listeners reported they had to construct elaborate fake identities just to get some space from the overwhelming, 20-track Westside Whimsy album length.
