NEWARK, N.J.— Underground music fans are bracing their ears for Plague Skater III, the final installment from New Jersey's lo-fi legend Will Schwester. The experimental finale brings pure chaotic energy to Bandcamp today. Here are seven ways this record will physically ruin your sound system.
1. The Kick Drum Hits Frequencies That Melt Plastic
Schwester recorded the drums inside an empty oil drum. The low-end frequencies immediately warp cheap Bluetooth speakers. Audiophiles report immediate smoke coming from their amplifiers.
2. It Blends 14 Genres in a Single Track
The album jumps from thrash metal to kazoo jazz instantly. "We had to recalculate our sonic safety parameters," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "No speaker cone can survive that transition speed."
3. The Bass Line Unhinges Drywall
Local contractors are praising the album for creating new work. The heavy riffs loosen the screws in nearby walls. Whole living rooms are falling apart in North Jersey.
4. The Tape Hiss Is Louder Than the Guitars
Schwester ran the master tape through a microwave. The resulting static overwhelms traditional digital converters. Listeners cannot distinguish the music from household appliances.
5. It Force-Installs Punk Rock on Smart Fridges
Streaming Plague Skater III overrides smart home appliances. Kitchen devices begin playing chaotic guitar solos at maximum volume. Users cannot pause the album once it starts.
6. Stereogum Editors Are Trapped in the Distortion
Music critics attempting to review the record got lost in the mix. Music bloggers at Stereogum report hearing distant cries for help behind the fuzzy basslines. The noise floor has become sentient.
7. At Press Time, the Album Detonated a Local Best Buy
A customer played the finale on a display soundbar. The entire home audio section exploded into a cloud of blown capacitors. Store employees are currently sweeping up shattered subwoofers.
