LOS ANGELES—Universal Music Group blasted Drake’s latest appeal in a lawsuit over Kendrick Lamar’s ‘Not Like Us.’ The music giant stated that the rapper’s legal arguments were a deepfake of established law. UMG insisted that the rap beef’s legal ramifications should be settled via a rap battle, not judicial review.
Legal Fowl Play
In a scathing filing, UMG argued that Drake’s attempt to revive his lawsuit was “utterly devoid of merit and frankly, embarrassing.” The label’s legal team, comprised entirely of former WWE commentators, asserted that trying to litigate rap disses was akin to bringing a PowerPoint presentation to a street fight. “The law is clear,” stated lead counsel Brenda G. Ballbanger, Senior Vice President of Hip-Hop Litigation and Mic Drop Enforcement. “You cannot sue someone for saying mean things about you on a track. You gotta clap back. That is not the law,” she added, adjusting her gold chain.
The original lawsuit stemmed from Drake’s claims that Lamar’s hit diss track ‘Not Like Us’ contained defamatory statements. UMG countered that the track was merely an “aggressive and highly creative lyrical takedown.” The label suggested Drake should have responded with his own diss track. They proposed a venue for this hypothetical lyrical showdown: a public parking lot behind a Los Angeles 7-Eleven.
A Question of Authenticity
UMG’s filing also questioned the authenticity of Drake’s legal claims. “If these claims were true, why didn’t Drake just write a better diss track?” mused Barnaby “Bling” Johnson, Chief of Diss Track Strategy for UMG. “This whole lawsuit is like calling the cops because your opponent in a dance-off has better moves. It’s just not how the culture works.” He suggested Drake’s legal team should instead focus on writing more compelling rhymes. “That is not the law, that is just sad,” Johnson concluded. The appeals court has yet to rule on whether to entertain the notion of a rap battle as a valid legal defense. Many legal scholars believe this case will set a precedent for future rap feuds.
At press time, Drake was reportedly practicing his diss track rebuttals in a soundproof booth, occasionally yelling “OVO forever!” and “Fake news!”
Related stories: Dow tumbles 500 points as Trump’s Iran extension fails Real-Time Headphone Translations Reveal True Feelings, Shatter Global Peace Hannah Montana Declared Separate Entity on 20th Anniversary Celebration
