WASHINGTON D.C.— The Justice Department officially announced Friday it would drop its criminal probe into Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell. This development followed weeks of intense, yet ultimately misdirected, scrutiny. Officials cited “new, more pressing concerns” that diverted resources.
The DOJ task force shifted focus last Tuesday. Agents reportedly became fascinated by an irregularly shaped rock found near the J. Edgar Hoover Building. The rock, described as “surprisingly smooth,” quickly became the central point of investigation.
A New Priority Emerges
“We had compelling leads, certainly, regarding Mr. Powell’s alleged use of an extra sugar packet in the breakroom,” stated Attorney General Merrick Garland, his voice trailing off as he polished a small, grey stone. “But this rock… this rock hums with a silent power. It demands our full attention.” Garland then placed the stone carefully on a velvet cushion. He reportedly canceled all upcoming press briefings to supervise its ‘observation period.’ The Federal Reserve, meanwhile, continues its work of managing monetary policy, seemingly oblivious to the Justice Department’s newfound geological passion. More information on the Fed’s current initiatives can be found at their official website.
Special agents spent three days cataloging the rock’s every crevice. They employed advanced forensic tools. Infrared scans revealed nothing. X-rays showed no hidden compartments. Yet, the team remained convinced of its profound significance. One agent reportedly claimed it “whispered secrets of the universe.”
Expert Weighs In
Dr. Penelope Wiffle, Chair of Existential Geophysics at the University of Maryland, dismissed the DOJ’s findings. “It’s a common sedimentary conglomerate,” Wiffle explained, adjusting her safety goggles. “Quite ordinary, really. But humans do project meaning onto inert objects, especially when faced with complex financial crimes.” She pointed to a similar rock she uses as a doorstop. For context on the original probe, see reporting from Axios on the Justice Department.
Powell himself issued a terse statement. “I am pleased to see the Justice Department applying its considerable resources where they are most needed,” he said, presumably referring to the rock. Sources close to the Fed chair noted he had recently purchased several industrial-grade magnifiers.
At press time, the Department of Justice had repurposed the entire criminal division into a “Pebble-Based Existential Inquiry Unit,” and was accepting applications for “Chief Rock Whisperer.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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