LONDON—The much-anticipated new single, “Sense,” from London-based quartet Alphabet, has reportedly plunged listeners into a state of profound, unshakeable apathy. The brooding track, co-produced by the band and Luke Farnall, debuted early Tuesday. Reports quickly surfaced of individuals ceasing all non-essential activities. Many listeners simply stared blankly ahead. Critics called the track “hauntingly effective.”
The Pervasive Spread of Indifference
Emergency services received thousands of calls. Concerned family members described relatives’ sudden disinterest in daily life. One man reportedly left a stove burner on. He then decided it “wasn’t worth the effort” to turn it off. Dr. Evelyn Periwinkle, lead researcher at the Institute for Unnecessary Feelings, expressed alarm. “The song ‘Sense’ seems to deactivate the brain’s emotional response centers,” Dr. Periwinkle stated. “It’s like hitting a ‘meh’ button for the entire human experience. We’re seeing record levels of shrugging. Apathy has become a global phenomenon overnight.”
Retail stores reported a sharp decline in impulse purchases. Commuters remained unfazed by train delays. Even ardent political activists reportedly paused their protests. They then questioned the inherent value of their chosen causes. The band, Alphabet, had described “Sense” as a deep dive into existential malaise. They apparently underestimated its literal impact. Fans who once eagerly awaited the single’s release now simply acknowledged its presence. They then moved on to other, equally indifferent thoughts.
Band Members Remain Uncaring
Band members Milo McNulty, Lena Pilshofer, Tom Sullivan, and George Miles were unavailable for comment. Sources close to the band said they were likely too apathetic to respond. “Milo just sort of looked at me,” a roadie, who wished to remain anonymous, recounted. “He said, ‘whatever.’ Then he went back to staring at a wall. I don’t think they care about the success of ‘Sense’ either.” The track’s gothic rock undertones seemed to perfectly complement the new global mood. Its early 2000s alt-rock sensibilities provided a soundtrack for the collective slump. The Stereogum premiere went live without much fanfare. Nobody really cared.
Government officials worldwide issued advisories. They urged citizens to listen to upbeat polka music. This was meant to counteract the effects of “Sense.” The World Health Organization (WHO) declared a “Global State of Utter Indifference.” They recommended a strict diet of loud, irritating noises. It was hoped this would reignite any spark of feeling. The plan showed limited success. Most people were too indifferent to even turn on the polka.
At press time, the stock market had plateaued. Traders noted no one cared enough to buy or sell anything.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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