DUBAI—A series of terrifying incidents has exposed massive aviation security gaps across the global airline industry. Airlines now struggle to find human pilots who do not possess worrying ties to international crime syndicates. To solve this crisis, major carriers have begun hiring literal Canadian geese to staff their commercial cockpits.
1. Geese Do Not Have Social Media Accounts
Background check investigators spend months scanning human resumes for hidden radical ties. Geese do not use the internet and have never posted a controversial opinion online. "A goose has never once tweeted a manifesto," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "They only honk at children and eat discarded bread."
2. They Naturally Understand Aerodynamics
Human pilots require years of expensive simulator training to master commercial jets. Canada geese possess an innate, biological understanding of wind currents and flock formation. The airline industry saves millions of dollars on training by simply pointing the birds toward the clouds.
3. Geese Are Immune to Hijacking Threats
Cockpit cabin doors remain vulnerable to physical breaches under current protocols. However, security experts note that a goose will aggressively defend its territory against any intruder. "A hijacker cannot negotiate with a bird that is actively biting his eyelids," said Arthur Pendelton, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist.
4. Flight Crews Report Improved Cockpit Morale
Co-pilots appreciate working with feathered partners who do not try to make polite conversation. The birds remain focused on the horizon and do not complain about layovers. Flight attendants also report that passengers complain much less when they hear a goose honking from the cockpit.
5. The Migration Instinct Guarantees On-Time Arrivals
The biggest benefit of the new pilot program is the natural urge to fly south for the winter. Geese will not tolerate delays on the tarmac when the cold weather rolls into Chicago. At press time, a Boeing 737 was forced to make an emergency landing in a local park because the captain saw a very nice pond.
