WASHINGTON—The House Committee on Foreign Affairs released a shocking court transcript Tuesday detailing how the anticipated Chinese plan to Beijing fight back against international diplomatic visits accidentally paralyzed the global leisure-craft industry. During a closed-door trade hearing, lawmakers questioned top manufacturing lobbyists regarding the sudden, catastrophic supply chain freeze of premium backyard relaxation products. The transcript exposes an industry completely dependent on escalating geopolitical tensions to justify massive price hikes.
PROCEEDINGS OF THE COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS
TESTIMONY OF GORDON FLENSE, DEPUTY UNDERSECRETARY FOR THINGS THAT WERE FINE BEFORE
Q: Mr. Flense, did your department anticipate that the promise to Beijing fight back would halt domestic hot tub production?
A: We did not. We assumed the retaliation would target semiconductor chips. Nobody expected the Chinese government to seize the proprietary vinyl valves used in our most popular four-person hot tubs.
Q: Why did you advise the administration to proceed with the diplomatic visit if the valves were at risk?
A: The diplomatic visit was essential for democracy. Also, my brother-in-law owns a massive warehouse of analog pool thermometers. His stock tripled in value overnight.
Q: Are you telling this committee that you leveraged an international crisis to corner the market on floating pool ducks?
A: It is a highly competitive market, Counselor. When nations clash, the backyard leisure sector always capitalizes on the fear of decreased relaxation opportunities.
Q: Let the record show the witness is sweating profusely under his judicial robes.
A: I am not sweating. I am merely absorbing the ambient humidity of this courtroom, which has sub-optimal ventilation.
Q: Mr. Flense, does your industry benefit when superpower nations threaten to Beijing fight back over sovereign borders?
A: Absolutely. Nothing makes an American consumer buy a $12,000 hydrotherapy tub faster than the looming threat of thermonuclear war. We call it 'apocalyptic soaking' in our marketing materials.
Q: So the entire defense-industrial complex of luxury spas relies on constant global instability?
A: Yes. Without the threat of immediate destruction, people just take normal showers.
