BEIJING—A document obtained Thursday revealed the exact details of the China fight back strategy regarding cross-strait diplomatic tensions. The document landed in press inboxes early this morning.
TO: All Regional Propaganda Officers
FROM: Bureau of Escalation Management
RE: Planned Level of Indignation
Approved Protocol For Retaliation
Please note our updated China fight back protocol for this week. Staff must maintain a tone of deep disappointment. Do not use the word 'furious' before noon. We have too much real estate debt to engage in a full trade war right now.
Officers must limit angry press statements to three paragraphs. Use standard templates from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs database. Ensure all sternly worded letters use recyclable paper.
Budgetary Constraints On Rage
'We simply cannot afford the fuel for live-fire military drills this quarter,' said Zhang Wei, Senior Director of Cost-Effective Aggression. 'Deterrence costs real money. Angry tweets are completely free.'
Field agents should execute the China fight back initiative by sighing loudly near foreign reporters. Cancel all scheduled military parades. Replace them with sternly worded PowerPoint presentations.
NOTICE: Do not accidentally ban American soy exports. We really need those right now. Just ban one obscure pop star instead.
