FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—The Justice Department proudly announced a groundbreaking DOJ antitrust probe into major television networks today. Regulators suspect every major network secretly broadcasts the exact same program. Officials claim this creates an illegal monopoly on prime-time entertainment. The probe will examine whether broadcast executives colluded to eliminate variety. Federal investigators launched the inquiry after noticing identical police procedurals on six channels simultaneously.
A Bold Step Forward
"We are thrilled to launch this DOJ antitrust probe to protect American viewers," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "For years, consumers thought they had choices. However, our preliminary investigation reveals that every channel airs a show about a moody detective. They all solve crimes in mysterious coastal towns. This probe ensures that media conglomerates cannot corner the market on brooding investigative drama."
Industry analysts praised the federal intervention as a historic milestone. Network executives allegedly held secret meetings to synchronize their commercial breaks. Furthermore, investigators believe the networks agreed to share a single stock audio clip of thunder. Former broadcast engineers claim the cartel operated in plain sight for decades.
Restoring Innovation To Prime Time
"This critical DOJ antitrust probe will restore true free-market chaos to cable television," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "If every channel uses the exact same low-frequency boom during dramatic reveals, my subwoofer suffers. Competition requires at least one network to use a medium-pitched chime instead. We fully support federal intervention in audio equalization."
Network representatives released a joint statement denying all allegations of market manipulation. They insisted that airing identical shows remains a purely organic business decision. Executives promised to cooperate fully with federal agents while continuing to produce four new spin-offs of the same law enforcement drama.
About The Department Of Justice
About the Department of Justice: Founded in 1870, the Department of Justice enforces federal laws and protects consumer rights. The Antitrust Division spends billions of tax dollars investigating minor broadcast similarities. Meanwhile, three massive corporate entities quietly purchase the entire global food supply without any regulatory oversight whatsoever.
