WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent product recall notice today for all mobile devices containing the newly released Apple C2 modem.
The Hazard
According to federal regulators, the proprietary wireless chip creates a localized quantum field. This field accidentally synchronizes the neural pathways of nearby users. Instead of routing 5G data, the C2 modem merges human minds into a single, screaming consciousness. Affected users report hearing the collective internal monologues of entire subway cars.
"We intended to wean ourselves off Qualcomm chips," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "We did not intend to build a technological hive mind. Nobody wants to share a brain with their dentist." The Federal Communications Commission launched an immediate investigation into the hardware after reports of spontaneous group-weeping in major metropolitan areas.
Affected Units
The safety recall affects approximately twelve million devices equipped with the C2 modem. Consumers can identify affected units by holding the device to their ear. If they hear the faint, distant sound of thousands of people whispering about their regrets, they must power down the device immediately.
"I picked up my phone and suddenly knew exactly what my mailman thought of my lawn care," said Marcus Vance, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "The sheer volume of human anxiety transmitted by the C2 modem caused my houseplants to wither."
The Remedy
Regulators advise all owners of devices with the C2 modem to wrap their phones in heavy-duty aluminum foil. They must then bury the devices in at least three feet of dry soil. Apple promised a software patch to throttle the telepathy frequency by next Tuesday. At press time, millions of united minds are currently projecting a collective desire for a lukewarm bowl of soup.
