WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide product recall of California beach water on Tuesday. The urgent safety notice follows unprecedented contamination caused by Hurricane Marie. Regulators classified the affected units as any liquid currently touching the Southern California coastline. The hazard involves unauthorized wetness. This moisture has entered areas usually reserved for dry sand and expensive real estate.
Hazardous Coastal Moisture Detected
Officials warned that California beach water currently poses a severe slip-and-slide risk. "We did not authorize this volume of liquid," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. Flense noted that California beach water should remain strictly decorative. The sudden influx of storm-driven waves violated several federal dryness guidelines. The commission urged citizens to stop using the Pacific Ocean immediately. Users should return any collected seawater to their nearest municipal drain.
The recall affects approximately 400 billion gallons of coastal surf. The affected batch spans from Santa Barbara down to San Diego. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed the water contains traces of actual nature. This substance remains highly toxic to local luxury lifestyles. Real estate developers expressed immediate outrage over the unexpected liquid intrusion.
Remedy and Replacement Ocean
To remedy the issue, the government advises residents to dry their lawns with hair dryers. The state plans to replace the wet California beach water with a dry, synthetic gravel alternative. This temporary measure will remain in place until the atmosphere complies with federal regulations. "We are working to restore the dry, dusty desert we all paid for," Flense added. No injuries have been reported, though several surfers experienced extreme dampness.
At press time, federal crews began attempting to soak up the remaining California beach water using giant, government-issued paper towels.
